Dakht - e - tassarruff!!

Ok...smart alecs out there, I am aware that this doesn't mean anything. Its just that these were the words a friend of mine said when she was trying to recite the most kick fucking ass couplet and ended up messing her words of Urdu. She then called up her mom in that super drunk state at four in the morning...just to ask what the couplet was...and she told her as well!! That's the day when the term dakht - e - tasarruff came to be representing the state in which you are so fucked....so fucked and yet your fucked up - ness has an attitude to it. And trust me it was so, coz what we heard after the correction, gave us goosebumps...at least to me. It was a rush of blood, emotions, adrenaline, what not!! "mera toh dakht -e- tasarruff ho gaya!!!"

some words just do that to you huh? Dude....that one couplet! And I am sure that you wanna know what it is....lemme recite it for you...and then give you the meaning to it....

Saare phaldar darakhton par

Tasarruff unka!

Jispar patta bhi nahi hai

Woh shajar mera hai...

Tu mujhe pakar bhi nakhush hai,

Yeh kismat teri hai.

Main tujhe khokar bhi khush hoon

Yeh jigar mera hai!!!

For those of you who dint get jack of the above...here's the explanation -

You have the right over all the fruit laden trees,

While I own a dead tree, which doesn't even have a leaf.

You are unhappy to find me, and that's just your fate.

I happy even at losing you, and that's just my audacity and my dare!

Doesn't that just kick fuckin ass man! and like how!!! Its something I would say to my boss the day I quit my job. Or to a backstabbing friend, or an unfaithful girlfriend. Its filmy, its heavy, but it still is what it is...It just makes you stop thinkin for that split second and say, ...."damn!"

I know...mera bhi Dakht - e - tasarruff ho gaya!

debts! Debts!! DEBTS!!!

It is a very boring day for me today, but there is so much happening inside my head. So much that I am finding it difficult to cope with it. Its something that I was told by a friend of mine (Tantrik Baba!!) a few days back. And it kinda changed my outlook to a certaing things in life. I have come to realize that in this life that I lead, or rather have been living so far, it has been centred around just one thing - love. And all my inner grief has also been always sorrounded by it. With dad, mom, sister, friends, girlfriends...everyone...

So I tried to look back at it and tried to figure out as to why it has always been a problem for me. You know, to find love as they say. It is surely not an easy thing. Ask me, it took me over twenty years to finally be in love with my mom. And I am still learning to love my dad. It took my sister about 13 years to be in love with me. Oh, and just to make it a lil simpler, I mean like and love, not just love. I have been in love with a few ladies and hated them too. With some it took a few days to realize that it wasn't love and with some I am yet to realize. But this one thing that I was told, kinda gave me a new perspective to things. My friend was doing some astrology for me and said, "You have a different taste in your love life aint it?" I said yes and then she goes like, "Lemme tell you something. Every relation that you have, is a debt from the past life that you need to balance out now. And it would be from both sides. It is a balance that needs to be restored or it will continue to happen." At first I was amused at it. It made me think, does that mean I'll always be just paying off debts and never be able to be in a relation? Shit, does that mean no love! And then I thought over it again and I thought, this aint limited to just one relation. ALL RELATIONS that I HAVE would have this statement applicable to them. That's when I started to think a lil more wierdly!

After all, what is this life about. Its all business. You gain some and you give some. Everywhere there is an exchange of feelings and emotions. And that's what it will be about always. And what is interesting is how we look at it. Like one would say that a hermit is someone who has probabaly paid off all his debts and thus doesn't owe anything to anybody or take anyhting from anyone. But on the other hand you could also say that a Hermit is someone, who owes too much to be able to pay it up in one life and he has to give up everything that he has to settle that debt of his.

Come to think of it, you can never settle all your debts, that's the only thing that keeps you alive. And once you realize that you are in this business mode, it becomes easier to live around people. You know, like at least in my case I have begun to be able to less emotional and more open to people around me. If someone is not being nice to you then he is probably returning to you what you gave him in your last life or he is taking loan from you for his current life which he would give you in the next life. Its just that simple. Its like each one of us is a bank and each of us is a customer. We make deposits and we withdraw as well, from each other. And since you would always be either giving credit or taking it, the balance would never be achieved. And maybe the day it does, that will be the day that we achieve salvation.

Salavtion. How would it be like when you achieve salvation? Would there be music? Would there be light? Whats it like? Is it like an orgasm? Why does everyone want to attain nirvana? Why does my mind search for it with some fear mixed in the search? What is it like to be able to live life without ever feeling that somebody owes you anything? It is easy to feel that you are free of all debts, but how does it feel when you know that no one else owes you anything as well. Would there be a feeling of lonliness that no one would ever come to you, beacause they dont need to? Or would it be like evryone would be more open to you and play no games with you beacuse they don't need to be conscious around you any more?Would it be like living in the wild?... Do I want it?

I don't know. Maybe I don't, at least not now. Life is so short and there's so much to do and see. So many people to meet, so many things to experience. I don't think I wanna give it all up just as yet. There's a lot that I owe to people, and I would like to pay that off and I would like to owe a lil more too. I want to live as long as possible , just so that I can do all that I want, and if it means paying off debts, then so be it, I'll keep owing to who I want to owe and what I want to owe. I'll make sure that my life runs like a cashflow system.

There is a lot of love that is lost around us. Wer just don't seem to realize it. Its all around us. Look back at your own life and maybe you would realize that you could have had a lot lesser complexities if you were able to keep your credit limit low. At the same time, be happy, that with a high credit limit, at least now you have a spiced up life. I have learnt what I wanted to learn. Its like my mantra for my life and maybe not aplicable to any one else. I don't have any attachments with anyone except myself. all I am here to do is settle my account and try and close it with no more a/cs payable or debts receivable. Maybe in this attempt, it would be easier to love and let love. Ha ha ha, funny that I still owe my cell phone service provider, the credit card company, the bank and so many other people. Who says money doesn't run the world!

You're Unbelievable!!

I mean, how fucked up can you get man!! I mean seriously how much can ur luck suck!! This is so hilarious that I can't stop laughing at it! And I absolutely HATE and ADMIRE Mr. Murphy for his beautiful law!!
"What can go wrong, will go wrong..."
there is an interesting corollary i derive from this...
"Smile...tomorrow can be worse!"
You guys must be thinkin like what the fuck am I going on about. Like get to the point. What Hapeened??

OK, so here's the deal.

There was this girl who I liked. No no not Ruchika this time! That's way too back man. I mean yes I agree that I still wish that I could have her in my life, but I have stopped pursuing that idea. Its like what the joker says - I am a dog chasing a car, if I would ever catch one I would not know what to do with it!! That's how it is as far as my situation with Ruchika is concerned now.

Anyway, coming back to the topic at hand. So there was this one girl I liked. And so much so that in two weeks of knowing her, I was attracted to her, then started to like here, then started to like her "in that way", and then fell in love with her! However, unfortunately for me it just so happened, that she did not really like me "in that way". Of course there were long telephone conversations, there was a lot of sharing of personal lives, there were ex-boyfriend issues that were sorted, there was cheating too ( unbeleivable right!), there was this one lone kiss - on the phone, in a sms (Unbeleivable right!!), there was a fight too. Oh by the way this was all while she was not even there around me! As in she was out of the city for two months within the first two weeks of me knowing her! Yeah I know! unbel..ok you get the point! :-O

She returned and then the talking went from wekaness to weakness..(opp for strength to strength), neway and things just kept going worse. In fact the last update was that she was dating someone she had met a couple of times only...:-O and that she wanted to get rid of me :-O I must tell you, it left me thinkin that I must be a real bore or a loser! Who else sits and makes collages and listens to coldplay huh??

So I decided that this young fine woman was turning out to be a bad thing for me and that I should cut off from her as soon as possible. So what do I do? Well, I had already reached the stage where I did not want to talk to her. But still, fellings are not really an on and off controlled action. So I decided to tell her that there was something important that I wanted to discuss with her. Something that I wanted to talk about alone. I had to mail her for this!! And then we decided to meet.

But as always, madam was piled up with work and was too tired to do anything. So when she told me when she could meet me, I said yes and then...I ditched! I canned on her! Yeah man, it felt awesome! I mean she thought like that i was on a leash...but ha ha ha! what a feeling!!

And then next day I wrote another mail to her, trying my level best to be nice and low on the sarcasm, kudn't help it though. Hoping I wud get her onto a guilt trip. And the signed off saying that I think we shudn't meet up or talk anymore! Yeah man. Totally! What do you think of it huh? I mean if today she wanted to start a relation with me, maybe I would. But, I still wanted to give it off to her! All you guys out there who have ever felt like trash because a woman was taking you for granted, go ahead and do this, it will make them come back crying! Just don't give in too quickly. Although I must warn you, its not really for the ones with a weak heart. I am not strong man either. I have not been able to stop myself from thinking bout her or messaging her at least once in a day, we'll come to that later. But yes, if you have a strong will, then go for it!

BUT...guess what happened to me. Her internet connection is malfunctioning!! So she hasn't checked her mails yet!!! GOD!!!

Lost...season Viva La Vida!

Haaaaaaaaaaaa.......I am so lost right now!! Damn, actually m a lil scared, with the way my money is moving...shit man, its scary. So we shall not talk about it. In any case I would be mad if I was to discuss, my finances over a blog! Blog...so how do you pronounce this word? is it like

"BLAUGHH.." or is it more like "BLAAG" or would it be more like "BLOW - GH"...

Ahh...its a pointless thing to bother over so much, but then its entertaining isn't it? and plus is that not what we do all the time, brood over pointless things...things that don't really affect us or which cannot really be altered, and yet feel depressed thinking of these things...

But then some things can be really scary you know. And money is one of them. My mom keeps telling me like many other wise ladies, money isn't everything. But that's when I say, without money there's nothing. I started today's blog, not with the agenda to talk about money matters, but as I bagan with it, my own issues seem to have caught upwith me! I mean it is so scary I can't explain what I feel...I was so bad at accounts, I flunked. But now all of a sudden the knowledge seems to be coming back to me from somewhere!! I hope that it helps me get my finances in place asap! Damn! This is so not happening.

Neway, this way or that, i'll have this issue, sorted....after all, its money, it will come back to me somehow or the other. In the meanwhile I have to figure out a way to be able to work around it. Hope that Mr. Murphy doesn't become too active in the meanwhile! Ha ha, my life just seems to be a series of unfortunate events and misadventures! Man someday I'll go so beserk in my head that I'll not know what to do with it!

What does a man need to lead a peaceful life. Lets try and make a list:

1. A good job...he must be doing well and enjoying it.
2. A good salary...good enough to take care of his needs and wants.
3. A good set of friends who like him and accept him the way he is.
4. Love in all its forms.
5. A companion who he can share everything with.

Not too much to ask for is it? but dwell upon it and you realize that there's so much to it. your needs and wants keep changing all the time. as a youngster you wann be able to expereince all the wild things this world offers. you know drink what you want, party when you want, travel the world, eat all the good things, wear all the great labels, drive a fast ride, own a great collection of music, be full of knowledge, the list just goes on and on and on.

A job - ha ha ha ha...I will not be surprised if someone at Google too is cribbing about his work. You can never be happy with your job. Either you'll not like the current one, or miss the old one or be sad with the kind of work you do or the kind of people around or the class you work for something always gets in the way!

A good paycheck - that is even more funny! Thats one thing which is just beyond impossible to get. Money, no matter how much you get, is never enuff! Would you really wanna argue about it?

Love - I have dwelled upon this one f***ed up topic enough that to talk about it anymore would piss me off beyond all understanding. it is the most irritating, manipulating, brain teasing, heart breaking, money screwing, peace destroying thing in the world! I remember, as kids LOVE was an abbreviation for us standing for - Lake of Sorrow, Ocean of Tears, Valley of Death, End of Life

Sounds crazy for a bunch of kids who keep chanting it innocently when they think that some girl is liked by some guy and its just a lil more mature than that "...k...i..s..s..ing!!""

Companion - this is the one thing we always get, but fail to recognise. For me, I've made mistakes too. Somehow, we have the definition of companion a little misconstrued in our minds. A companion doesn't necessarily have to be another person. And hey you wise crackers, its beyond books and music ok. please! I am the only one smart here, so keep your smartness to urselves!! Neway, they are not really wrong though. but my point is a little different. Does it have to be something external always? I dont think so. How many bloggers around the world would be writing regularly, a lot. How many would be getting a frequent response, very few. But they continue to write, while holding a cigarette in their hands, or maybe a joint or maybe a drink...not necessary though. listening to music maybe...rock, pop, metal, trance, house, rap, blues, jazz...not necessary again. but they still write. to you and me, without knowing if they are being read, and if they make any sense at all. regardless, they write, coz they feel they have company. and that's the point! You dont need to have people around you or a special person to call a companion. That is just so ...i dunno, cliche? Bullhsit? or whatever, but try and look at it the way I am looking at it right now. And the minute and i mean it, the minute you do it, you'll always have company pourm in from somewhenre or thae other and all teh other four issues will vanish. not get solved though, i must warn you! Neway, I got mine now, so i'll call it a blog now! C you guys soon.

Retorno!!

This is the new me my friends! Yeah, m back! I don't know if anybody missed me around here. Its been a while I agree, and maybe I lost touch of what to write and how to write. Things havent really changed much. People who were haunting me a years back are still haunting me. In fact there are additions to it, if nothing else. I wrote a full album finally - called the figure of 8. Obviously it will not see beyond my cupboard!! But who knows, maybe someday I'd publish something here. I'm kinda irritatted right now, coz I've to talk to this stupid girl over the phone, who seems to be not getting the hint that I'm not really interested in her. There, finally she puts the phone down. Can you beleive what she was trying to do?? Talk to me on the phone, while watching television, ahich I could here at my end and solve mathematical equations alongwith this!!! Damn, no one but only I can do that without getting caught man!! And like m not even her boyfriend, though i'd wanted to be at some point, but i guess my previous 'essence of life' had to screw it up and jinx it for me before it even began. That reminds me, you guys havent heard about her for a long time have u? She remembered the date, yeah. Seriously she did. 08/08/08 - the divine date of eternity! Hah, I had wanted to get engaged with her on that day, and we dint even reach 12 months of a complete relation. we tried hard, she tried hard, but i guess, stability is something that doesn't want to stay with me. so something had to fuck it up and it did! too bad for me. in fact till recently i was not even talking to her, when she reminded me of the date...

Anyway, fuck that shit, life's moved on. people don't really want to be friends, I've realized that. everyone has a purpose, and friendship is just a garb under which they fulfill that purpose of theirs. Some have a long term and continous purpose, and some a short one. I realized it, and idecided to make as many long term purposes as i could. As always, I had lost contact with the rest of the world for a while in between, hurt quite a few people, pissed off some, so i decided to mend as many as I could. Started with the not so obvious ones. And now, things are moving on.

Besides, I also realized that this one idiotic girl, who turns out to be quite a slut type. I mean she aint sleeping around or anything, but that's the only thing that sleft for her to do i guess. ha ha ha!! i get enraged when i think of her sometimes, but then, Mirage is known to make these mistakes.

My friend has just called. Another guy who has had a tuff life. Fucker's smoking a joint while his dad is sleeping in the next room. everytime i speak to him he tries to convinve me to quit the company m working for.

Hey new poem for all u guys...

I fear that I will always be

A lonely number like root three

A three is all that's good and right,

Why must my three keep out of sight

Beneath a vicious square root sign,

I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,

with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321

Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,

Another square root of a three

Has quietly come waltzing by,

Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer,

Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds

And with a wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued

And love for me has been renewed.