The last train home...

Its the 3rd of June, 1986, 0445 hrs. I am born into this world under lighnitng and storm.
21 years later, nuthing much has changed.....its 0245 hrs, 2 hours to complete the circle around the big star and there's still lighning and storm in my head....guess the weather had come to stay!

Can't sleep....and i am known to be sleepy forever. I don't know why, but there's a person out there i want to love and a person out there i want to kill....for quite some time now, they've been the same, as in its been the same person....and for quite some time the former has been eluding me, the latter been taken up by more than one person. But that is not something we don not experience. I keep saying nothing is constant except change....but seems like my own saying is going back on me....I am just as lost as a pin in a haystack! No m not the pin, neither am I the haystack...I am the searcher, and i am trying hard to know why i have to find that pin. Why this particular pin, i dont seem to be getting an answer, but i search nevertheless..

Love- its a thing you know. You win some u lose some. its worse than money....ppl are crazy bout money, but they earn money to be able to gain love from many sources. Even if it is false! There's no feeling greater than the feeling of knowing that u are loved by someone. The only feeling that can match it is the feeling to know that someone who loved you, doesn't anymore...and i talk only about the intensity. Its the -1 and +1 are equal in a respect. they are both equidisatnt from 0.

Life - is a journey as most ppl say. but what is the journey about...where does it lead to...some smart alecs would say death. but heck there is nothing like that....life is not a journey. its a book. its like u flip a page evryday. most of the times you decide what will be written on that page...in fact 90/100 times u do. and the 10 times u dont, u at least can decide on 5 /10 from those what will influence the writing. but the remaining 5 is what we always crib about...evn i do. imagine 95% of my life is in my hands and i still ruin it over he remaining 5%!!! we humans are funny.
The way i see it, we live our lives running backwards! You can always see the past, and never the future....spooky isn't it? well its true nevertheless...
But sometimes i ask myself, do i really wanna see the future...? Do you...? wouldn't thake away the excitement of life....?
I wish i kud stop running backwards though, its so stupid and inconvinient!

love....is somethign i don't think i'll ever experienc again. i experienced it in the true sense...but i also saw the darkest possib;e side of it! and it hurt....it is unimaginable, so dont ever ask me what i saw...its a time when even the most hardened hearts cried, and i mean it....

Perfection- evryone wants it and no one has it! thats all i can say bout it...

why am i writing all this....coz tomorrow with sunrise, i am trying to be a new person. a new me. i know that the scent of the past is going to lingher on me...but then it has to come off....my soul has to dawn a new look and an new outlook. instead of being a human and having points of view, m gonna try and be the way god does it, have points to view....at least in my life and prioritize them....Gud luck Forward.

Hah! U design and i dismantle!

Hello my friend we meet again......man the very thought of her makes me well up, makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me angry, frustrated, caught up, choke, love, hate, and feel a million more feelings. but there is and end to everything. every night has to end up with a dawn. and maybe this is the darkest hour. I loved you so much, but u kudn't realise it, guess i shud go with the popular beleif, i deserve better, u were not meant for it! Thats a sad thing to say isn't it?

Well thats how most of those Devdases out there would talk! What u tht thats where my blog had started.....naaah! I am done wid it. I mean c'mon, if someone u loved more than there's water in the ocen and all that, and they left u, cool, move on. Stop being a peice of garbage! move on buddy. It is tough, coz u feel u'll never feel the same again...i know, i don't either. but hey there's a flipside, at least u won't feel the sorrow all over again. And dats a gud enuff bargain for me. Trust me. I mean, frankly, do u like feeling the way u do? And would u trade the rest of your beautiful life to go thru something similar again...m sure not, so stand up, get up, back up and tell her to stay away. relax and rem, ultimately, LIFE MOVES ON.....

web

they spun a web, for me...
they spun a web, for me....
they spun a web, for me.

damn. life can be so screwy sometimes its unbeleivable. u know like u want something so badly u give up everything for it. even urself. but u dont get it. next moment when u realise that it aint worth all the trouble, it starts coming back to u. n then u dont know what to do. u just keep smiling n hope to god that it isn't another game. u've tried to move in life beyond a certaoin poin, n there he stands, smiling at u, showing you how u can still see where u started from. n u smile back at him, sayin, yeah, i see ur point. its this moment where he wants u to make the choice. u can choose to move on, carry on, n keep smiling, nodding ur head at god sayin, i know ur trix, m not falling for it. n he mite just say, well i gave u a chance.
or u decide to go down that connecting road towards the point and mite end up laghing at ur luck, thanking him. or mite end up crying all over again. this time too he'll say, well i just gave u a chance. thchoice was urs.
it can be so screwy i just cant help but smile at myself.

they spun a web for me
they spun a web for me
they spun a web.......for me.

Here I Am....or am i?

I stand here lookin at this life.

sleep deprived i face my reality, hoping that this is not my destiny

while the singers sing dani california

i ask myself why did i wait for ya

why dint i mourn ya

why did i let it go on



I stand here lookin at the world.

hungry for peace, hoping this is not the end

while the mockers mock me

fuck me, hate me, eat my brains

i go on asking

why did i let it happen


I stand here trying to understand myself.

i gave up my life

i gave up my soul

and no it wasn't for nothing

hope u understand it now

u wasted the chance that i gave u

so m never gonna look at u, nemore



U shuda taken the walk back home

U shuda never come this far

coz here i am finding the truth

here i am beleiving the days as the pass by

here i am chasing life again

here i am happier without you

here i am letting you go

here i am chasing away all feelings

here i am, all numb

here i am...or am i?


yes! yes! yes!


HERE I AM.....n walkin straight.

The hard way...

Well i learnt the ahrd way, and ur day's coming soon! I pray u'll make it thru!

life seems to keep taking a lot of twists and turns for me. guess m used to it, n the straight line theory doesn't apply to me anymore. just had a discussion wid my brother and we decided to call ourselves what makes everyone else around us happy - losers or failures! strange as it sounds i flipped it instantaneously and decided we kud loose at losing and fail at failing...just to make that prophecy self fulfilling. I am just a simple man. but i guess ppl dont see it that way. As i said, the straight line theory doesn't work for me anymore!! Dunno when it ever did.

Life is good and u dont need rosy glasses to look at it, contrary to what one of my friend beleives..u just need to look around with naked eyes, and put on ur Ray Bans when its too sunny. Sounds kinda stupid doesn't it, i know but i feel it has meaning. I was told i am melodramatic! trust me I am!!!

M pretty much back on track, thanx to...myself!

Well hello world, its good to be back on solid ground. Whew the flyte was too much!!