It is a very boring day for me today, but there is so much happening inside my head. So much that I am finding it difficult to cope with it. Its something that I was told by a friend of mine (Tantrik Baba!!) a few days back. And it kinda changed my outlook to a certaing things in life. I have come to realize that in this life that I lead, or rather have been living so far, it has been centred around just one thing - love. And all my inner grief has also been always sorrounded by it. With dad, mom, sister, friends, girlfriends...everyone...
So I tried to look back at it and tried to figure out as to why it has always been a problem for me. You know, to find love as they say. It is surely not an easy thing. Ask me, it took me over twenty years to finally be in love with my mom. And I am still learning to love my dad. It took my sister about 13 years to be in love with me. Oh, and just to make it a lil simpler, I mean like and love, not just love. I have been in love with a few ladies and hated them too. With some it took a few days to realize that it wasn't love and with some I am yet to realize. But this one thing that I was told, kinda gave me a new perspective to things. My friend was doing some astrology for me and said, "You have a different taste in your love life aint it?" I said yes and then she goes like, "Lemme tell you something. Every relation that you have, is a debt from the past life that you need to balance out now. And it would be from both sides. It is a balance that needs to be restored or it will continue to happen." At first I was amused at it. It made me think, does that mean I'll always be just paying off debts and never be able to be in a relation? Shit, does that mean no love! And then I thought over it again and I thought, this aint limited to just one relation. ALL RELATIONS that I HAVE would have this statement applicable to them. That's when I started to think a lil more wierdly!
After all, what is this life about. Its all business. You gain some and you give some. Everywhere there is an exchange of feelings and emotions. And that's what it will be about always. And what is interesting is how we look at it. Like one would say that a hermit is someone who has probabaly paid off all his debts and thus doesn't owe anything to anybody or take anyhting from anyone. But on the other hand you could also say that a Hermit is someone, who owes too much to be able to pay it up in one life and he has to give up everything that he has to settle that debt of his.
Come to think of it, you can never settle all your debts, that's the only thing that keeps you alive. And once you realize that you are in this business mode, it becomes easier to live around people. You know, like at least in my case I have begun to be able to less emotional and more open to people around me. If someone is not being nice to you then he is probably returning to you what you gave him in your last life or he is taking loan from you for his current life which he would give you in the next life. Its just that simple. Its like each one of us is a bank and each of us is a customer. We make deposits and we withdraw as well, from each other. And since you would always be either giving credit or taking it, the balance would never be achieved. And maybe the day it does, that will be the day that we achieve salvation.
Salavtion. How would it be like when you achieve salvation? Would there be music? Would there be light? Whats it like? Is it like an orgasm? Why does everyone want to attain nirvana? Why does my mind search for it with some fear mixed in the search? What is it like to be able to live life without ever feeling that somebody owes you anything? It is easy to feel that you are free of all debts, but how does it feel when you know that no one else owes you anything as well. Would there be a feeling of lonliness that no one would ever come to you, beacause they dont need to? Or would it be like evryone would be more open to you and play no games with you beacuse they don't need to be conscious around you any more?Would it be like living in the wild?... Do I want it?
I don't know. Maybe I don't, at least not now. Life is so short and there's so much to do and see. So many people to meet, so many things to experience. I don't think I wanna give it all up just as yet. There's a lot that I owe to people, and I would like to pay that off and I would like to owe a lil more too. I want to live as long as possible , just so that I can do all that I want, and if it means paying off debts, then so be it, I'll keep owing to who I want to owe and what I want to owe. I'll make sure that my life runs like a cashflow system.
There is a lot of love that is lost around us. Wer just don't seem to realize it. Its all around us. Look back at your own life and maybe you would realize that you could have had a lot lesser complexities if you were able to keep your credit limit low. At the same time, be happy, that with a high credit limit, at least now you have a spiced up life. I have learnt what I wanted to learn. Its like my mantra for my life and maybe not aplicable to any one else. I don't have any attachments with anyone except myself. all I am here to do is settle my account and try and close it with no more a/cs payable or debts receivable. Maybe in this attempt, it would be easier to love and let love. Ha ha ha, funny that I still owe my cell phone service provider, the credit card company, the bank and so many other people. Who says money doesn't run the world!
